I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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