My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
