Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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