yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
