Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
