So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
