tonight lets celebrate not being married
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
