I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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