the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
