Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
