remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
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The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
there is glitter all over my balls
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