i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
