you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
