I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
