Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
