in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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