very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
