you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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