If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
