i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
