My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
