Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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