Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
