I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
