it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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