LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
