I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
