Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
