allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
