God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They have beer where we have blood.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
