I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
