When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
