I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
