Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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