I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
