you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
