ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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