So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
