i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
