while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
