I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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