My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
