You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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