I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
