so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
