my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
