we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I will pee on everything he values.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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