his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
