BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
