Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
