This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
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I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.