it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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