he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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