If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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