she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
